| Pins and needles. |
[Nov. 25th, 2009|04:23 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Central | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Cookin' for real | ] |
I feel like someone is stabbing my back. Literally, I have a shooting, stabbing pain at the top of back below my neck. I suppose this means it's time to go back to physical therapy.
In other news, I wasn't the only one. It's nice to know that you're missed as much as you miss the other person. Sometimes, it's hard to believe the other person could miss you more. I've never been held so tight; I've never been so in love. I still don't know if this is a good idea but at least I'm not sad anymore. |
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| You're not an idea. |
[Nov. 15th, 2009|01:49 pm] |
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Sometimes I don't think about it and that's a good thing. But when I drive by your apartment, or walk into Hannaford, or try to cook myself dinner--I wish I could forget about you. I don't miss the idea of you; I miss you. |
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| I still love you. |
[Sep. 27th, 2009|09:11 pm] |
You can't help who you fall for. You can help how hard you fall.
It was going so well. I was so happy. Now, I'm devastated. Now, I feel like I've been guilted into being friends. I feel like I have to in order to prove that I care more about him than being in a relationship. I wish I could make him undetstand; I wish I knew how to do that.
This makes me so sad. |
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| Can't help but be fearful. |
[Sep. 5th, 2009|11:08 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | contemplative | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | family guy theme | ] |
It's been a while.
I suppose I've chosen romance. I knew from the beginning how difficult this would be. I knew I couldn't make a balance. I'm sorry if you're someone I've lost contact with in the last few months. I'm too insecure to make any other choice.
Never been better now. Can't help but be afraid. If this ends, I think I'll be more devastated than ever before. If this ends, I shouldn't be surprised--it's not perfect, but it's closer than ever. If this ends, I will accept it.
Happier than I've ever been.
I miss you (all). |
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| I guess I don't really like this anymore. |
[May. 4th, 2009|10:26 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | epsom. | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | nostalgic | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | billie holiday | ] |
I don't really like writing in this anymore. I don't really like how it forces me to feel sad all the time. I mean, I'm really just forcing myself to feel sad because that's what I've always done. But I think I'm back to where I was around this time last year; most of last year. And really, I'm happier. That's not really why I decided to write in this for the first time in long while.
My grandpa died last night. I told one of my best friends in a text this morning forgetting that telling her would spread to the entire family. And then it would spread to my other best friend. Both called me. Then it spread to another friend and so she contacted me. I'm not mad at anyone, I know it's nice to have support. But I just don't really know what to feel and I have never known how to react to death.
I was also never too close to my grandfather in the sense that I could never have a real, honest conversation with him. He was plagued with anxiety and never really felt comfortable in his own skin. He loved us. He did what he could. He helped me pay for my first year in college. He was very helpful and giving to my parents. And in truth, I couldn't imagine what these last ten years have been like for him. He lost my grandmother, the one perosn that really kept him going, when I was a ten. He suffered a heart attack a few years later. Then he was diagnosed with alzheimer's. When I found out he had alzheimer's, it was as if I had just been told he passed away. A little over six months ago he completely lost any sense of who his family was.
What makes me upset is that he had to suffer for so long. I am happy that he passed peacefully and no longer has to be tormented with such an incredibly painful illness. I don't have a right to be upset that he's gone; that would be selfish. If I am upset about anything, it's that he lived as long as he did in such misery. I know this is what he wanted. And although I do not believe in a heaven or hell, I do for his sake. I hope that he gets to see grandma again.
So, farewell Grandpa Brown. We will miss and love you always. Say hi to Grandma for us!
RIP Vernon Lawrence Brown (1919-2009) |
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| Ok. |
[Mar. 24th, 2009|06:02 pm] |
False alarm.
Not everything needs to be so serious. |
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| It feels like one side of my face is swollen. |
[Sep. 22nd, 2008|01:29 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | woodsides | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | indifferent | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | death cab | ] |
And my forehead is peeling. Yum.
I've been anxious lately. I think part of that feeling is due my lack of writing in the last three weeks. At home, I wrote every night before I went to bed. Or I would read over something I had recently written. I haven't done that at all and I think it's beginning to weigh on me. I haven't written in my journal either. I'm afraid I will forget what happens this year if I don't write about it. But maybe things that are forgettable should be forgettable. So, if I do forget about this year, maybe it's better that way.
I feel disconnnected. I feel like a bad friend to a lot of people. I also feel like I should care more about certain things but I don't.
I have fallen in love with apathy. Take that as you will because that could read a double meaning. If you know me, you'll understand.
I'm thinking this could be my penultimate entry. |
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| There was little we could say . . . even less we could do. |
[Sep. 18th, 2008|07:57 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | ma roooom | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | tired | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | the fan | ] |
I wish I were the person who could ask the questions I wanted answers to but not be so god damn afraid of the answers. I wish.
But, hey, I turn the big two-one in a week. Wanna celebrate? |
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| They say you're alive until you're 21. |
[Aug. 27th, 2008|11:49 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | hamps. | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | content | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | exlposions in the sky | ] |
I guess this means I have less than one month to live.
2008 Summer, A Reflection:
Since I was in high school, I've dreaded Summer. Unlike most kids, I couldn't sleep through most of the day. I didn't have my license until my senior year, keeping me from being anything but independent. The heat has been my worst enemy since I started getting migraines. And, with two parents working in the school system, Summer just left more time for fighting with my dad. I've always had friends, but Summer was always the time for me to think about how alone I really was. I never felt more lonely than during the Summer when I had the time to think.
Something miraculous happened this Summer. It was good. The best part is I'm not sad that it's ending because I'm moving back into school in a few days. That's not really anything to be sad about. Maybe I should be sad that I have one more year left before I have to be an adult. Eh. No reason to worry about that yet.
I don't think I've ever been this happy. |
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| Figure it out. |
[Aug. 1st, 2008|12:27 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | home | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | tired | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | paper plane | ] |
Just when you think you know what's going to happen and you've got it all figured out . . . something just comes right up out of the woodwork.
That was unexpected. I've been thinking about it but I'd rather not think about it too much. It's not so much of a big deal as it is a surpise. Not a bad surprise either.
Also, MARISSA, come back so we can go shopping for our room. I NEED to start preparing!
That's all. |
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| Said you can do what you want to whenever you want to. |
[Jul. 27th, 2008|09:09 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | home | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | calm | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | elliot smith | ] |
This is different now. I don't sleep well anymore. I've lost weight. I still don't have a car. I've made purchases I've never made before. I really like my friends. Like, I really like my friends.
Summer has been awesome. This is the first time in years and like the second time in my whole life. I hope it stays this way. I hope I can sustain this feeling for longer than a few months. I can, I think.
I can't wait until The Pineapple Express comes out.
I guess I don't have much to say anymore. |
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| It's a kodak moment, let me go and get my camera. |
[Jun. 19th, 2008|10:06 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | hampstead | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | awesome | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Ray J | ] |
I have been having the most vivid dreams lately. I never wake up remembering my dreams, but I've got three right at the forefront of my thoughts.
STORYTIME!: A sign that I have watched far too much reality television.( Read more... )
I still don't have a real job right now. If you're bored, I'm probably bored. I don't have a car anymore, though. But I usually find a way. Think about it. |
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| I cannot pretend that I felt any regret. |
[May. 30th, 2008|12:10 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | home | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | content | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | grandaddy | ] |
I think I grew up. Shit's CRAZY.
Last night, my dad yelled at me for yelling at him. I actually wasn't yelling until he started to raise his voice. I feel like I'm still in high school, except when I was in high school I used to cry when I got into fights with him. That's why I think I grew up. But, I mean, I'm 20 now. Why do I still get into fights with my dad? Such a waste of time.
It's nice, though. Not being sad anymore. I used to spend so much time sulking. I'm not sure what's changed exactly. The people around me haven't changed. Maybe I just know who my friends are now. Maybe I'm starting to see where I belong. Maybe I'm comfortable. Or, who knows, maybe I'VE changed. I did start running again. It's actually a really good way to pass the time and enjoy a nice day. When you don't have a job, you have time but no money. So, it works.
But wait, let's go back. Maybe, I've changed. It's a nice idea but rarely happens. I think I'm just tired. I'm always tired. This is different. I'm tired of being tired. It's a mystery. But here's the truth, I don't feel the same, which means something had to have changed. Whether it's me, I don't know. It's just nice. That's all I have to say.( Read more... ) |
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| Swollen and small is where you'll find me now . . . |
[May. 5th, 2008|12:29 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | hetz | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | contemplative | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Explosions in the Sky | ] |
Usually, I would have fallen asleep like two hours ago, but I can't sleep tonight. For some reason, my mind has decided to replay my entire high school career over and over in my head.
( Read more... )
I think I'm tired now. |
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| You've got a light, you can feel it on your back. |
[Mar. 29th, 2008|09:29 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | hetzel | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | sad | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | death cab for cutie | ] |
I was a music major for two years. I haven't been a music major for less than year, but I feel so disconnected. I used to be part of it and I used to know everyone. These people were like part of my family: an odd family. I went to a recital last night, and I finally saw how much of an outsider I had become. The recital was great, and I was happy I went. I just wish I still knew these people who were more than half of my college experience.
There's more.
I don't believe change is possible. I'm the same person I've always been; I'm just more cognicent of my mistakes now. I chased another good person away from me. This one I haven't known for so long which is why I am so surprised at how quickly it happened. Some of what was said to me I couldn't believe had been said. I deserved it. I deserved all of it. But it was hurtful and this was the last person I imagined saying things like this to me. It's just that I've heard it all before, and the last time I heard it I promised myself I wouldn't hear it again. I promised myself that I would change, and I wouldn't chase another person away.
I don't know where I'm going anymore, and lately I'm growing more and more indifferent to the idea that I'm just going to grow old and alone. I don't care anymore. I'm sick of people telling how unbearable I am over and over again. I know it all too well. |
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| I heard you found another audience to bore. |
[Mar. 10th, 2008|07:59 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | hetzel | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | lonely | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | elliot smith | ] |
Man, I am really driving myself crazy. I can't wait until I'm actually living with people because I really can't stand just being around myself sometimes.
I guess everyone feels this way at one point or another. |
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| Suck, suck your teenage thumb, toilet trained and dumb. |
[Mar. 9th, 2008|10:57 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | hetzel | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | tired | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | radiohead | ] |
Spring break is in less than a week and I feel no excitement whatsoever. Maybe it's because spring break was so awesome last year, or because I don't actually get to go home this time. I'm not going to work in newington and drive from hampstead like every day over break, so I'm probably going to stay with my brother or Lindsay.
Also, I haven't slept in days. Here's why:( Read more... )
I know, I'm whining. We all have sucky nights, I just don't know how to handle this girl anymore. She is really just that out of touch with the world.
I'd also like to go on a trip. It's time for a real vacation. |
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| the beat goes round and round |
[Feb. 23rd, 2008|12:27 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | hetz | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | indifferent | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | radiohead | ] |
I've felt like a grandma since I was in high school. Now I feel it even more. The one grandmother I have left spends her time on the east coast, eating frozen dinners, sitting in her recliner watching crime dramas, and going to church. I think that's who I am in a nutshell, except the whole church thing. I'm an 80-something year old woman who would rather sit, watch tv, and eat by herself than do anything else. Maybe it's not quite as extreme, but I think I'm becoming more of a hermit than I've ever been, which makes this whole RA thing sort of ironic I guess.
I'm not lonely or depressed. I just feel like I'm the only one who can understand me sometimes, so why involve myself with anyone else? |
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